Today, I sat here looking through my FaceBook page. So many friends are hurting. There is so much bad in the world. My heart is broken for the loss of loved ones,
battles with cancer, infertility, uncertainty on the next step to take with
children, marriages falling apart...so many struggles. I don’t imagine to understand everyone’s
troubles, as I don’t expect anyone to understand mine. Until you have truly been in the same
position as the person who is suffering the affliction you can never know, only
assume what they are really feeling inside.
Yesterday was the second anniversary of the due date of the
first baby Caleb and I lost in miscarriage.
I didn’t post anything on purpose, because I’m starting to realize the
only time I am updating my blog is on these “special” days. I wanted our day to be as normal as possible,
and it was odd, but we did it. As a matter of fact, if you had walked into our
house yesterday the only thing different would have been a white rose my husband
brought me in remembrance of our little one.
The rose means so much to me and it kept me able to still have our “normal”
but not normal day. I still hurt from
our losses and have my times of struggle, so please don’t hear me as having
some miraculous healing. I don’t believe
that there is such a thing. That is, unless
God so provides for it, and if He did how would He be able to speak to others
through you? You don’t accept Jesus and
have smooth sailing for the rest of your life, as a matter of fact, a lot of
the time it’s the total opposite. How could
our Savior give others the opportunity to see Him through your trials and wonder
why it is that you manage through your suffering differently than someone who
might not know Jesus? Take a look at a painting, for example, far from perfect. As a matter of fact, there are almost always things on them the artist
did not originally intend to have, but it’s what the artist does with
these “blemishes” that makes the work truly beautiful, a masterpiece. I see
Him painting His masterpiece in me every day.
I’m a mess, but I pray God will use my story to hopefully provide comfort,
peace, and hopefully a better understanding of what His grace and mercy really
is to someone who needs that.
With that being said, today, in the midst of all the pain I
see in the world, I'm counting my blessings.
There are too many to number.
Some so small that I overlook and they should be the most precious to
me. Of course, there is my husband, my
son, our health, the ability to afford a roof over our heads, cars, pre-school,
all these, but today I am most thankful for
Clothes in the dryer.
You see, Caleb and I
discovered God was planning another miracle in our lives last August. The clothes in the dryer are for this little miracle. He will be
here to wear them in April. God has given us a perfect example of grace, a rainbow after the stormiest day, the perfect redemption after a hard few years. Infertility is a very dark, very isolating place. I realize I'm very fortunate and that some women have to go through much more than I went through in order to have a baby, but, even in our relatively small struggles, it seemed like I stepped out of a dark, desolate cave and allowed the sun to shine on my face for the first time in a long time. However, being in the cave has created scars that will never go away.
It was scary
at first, considering what we have had to let go of before, and we thought a
couple of times very early on we might have to let go of this child as well. I wish
I could tell you that with this new blessing I was totally healed and never
thought again about our previous losses, but that’s just not the case. First, I don’t want to forget about those
angels we have waiting on us. Second, I
think of this pregnancy differently than I did my previous ones, with much less naivety. I’m not as connected as I was with my first
two pregnancies. The very second I got a
positive test I was madly in love with my first and second babies. It’s different this time. I love this child and would gladly give my own life for him right now, but I have remained distant Every day is better
and a little different as I realize at the time I write this he has a 90%
chance of staying with us should he be delivered today, but am ashamed at the distance I have put between us. I know
the second they put him in my arms I will be wildly, crazy and yes, madly in
love with him and he won’t miss a second of affection, but until then I cannot quite
wrap my head around our miracle. We have
waited 4 years to have another child and I guess when you cling to a hope so
long and it happens it takes a while for the shock to wear off. But I’m rambling.
I tell you all of that that to tell you God is faithful, he
is able, He is so eager to help you with your problems. And, He rejoices with you when you sit and
count those little blessings (even clothes in the dryer)… and you will be
showered with blessing, but maybe not in the way you are thinking.
I will make them and the
places surrounding my hill a blessing.
I will send down showers in season;
there will be showers of blessing. The trees will yield their fruit and the ground will yield its
crops; the people will be secure in their land. They will know that I am the Lord, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands
of those who enslaved them. They will no longer be plundered by the nations, nor will wild
animals devour them. They will live in safety, and no one will make them afraid. Ezekiel 34:26-28.
