I AM HIS

I was approached a while back to do a sign similar to this that is floating around Etsy and Pinterest.  The above mentioned sign is great, but I don't like to copy a lot of work now days.  Not that I'm a huge snob, I just know what it's like to see your hard work get copied.  It also turns out that my high school English teacher(s) may have made more of an impact on me than I thought.  I enjoy writing.  The written/ spoken word is the most powerful tool any human possesses.  It can cut a person in two or it can elevate them to the point of invincibility.      

With all that in mind I contemplated what I wanted to say with this board.  The sign was originally intended for two young girls, so I thought about them and if I had a daughter what I would want to convey to them with this sign. 

 My first thought was self-image.  It seems like all the mainstream sells these days is a particular brand of girl…one whose ribs show when naked, one who has full lips, shiny hair, and no blemishes, nothing that makes them special, set apart from all the other girls who are on the same magazines and in the same type movies every year.  How sad are we as a society that we try to all look like that same “girl” and do not enjoy the blessings God gave us that makes us different than all the other girls around.  I’m speaking to myself when I say this, as I am the ring leader of wanting a better body, I’ve dyed my hair for years(I just recently found out what my natural color was :) ), frequented the tanning bed in the past, several things that, if I had a great self-image, I probably never would have done.

 

God never makes mistakes.  If you have something you don’t like about you, God loves it more than anything.  He created it (you), if he didn’t like it do you think it would have made the cut when he was determining your physical makeup?

My second thought was that our feminist movement leads us to believe that we as women are strong enough to not need anyone, no man, no God, nothing in order to thrive.  Women are strong.  Of course women are strong!  I fight bad guys for a living (I’m a mom of two boys, that’s what we do all day)!  However, at the end of the day I need relationships.  Ultimately, I need the relationship of Jesus.  We put all of our trust in our own strength when really we should be looking toward the Savior who has never, ever left us.  He holds us up.  He provides ultimate protection.  He gives comfort that no one can understand.  If you place all of your meaning on ANY other relationship it will let you down.   You can’t get a more perfect man than God.  :)

 I'm still not 100% certain that I conveyed all that I want to say with this board, so it might be subject to a re-write.  But here it is, blemishes and all.  :)

A blessing Re-count

Today, I sat here looking through my FaceBook page.  So many friends are hurting.  There is so much bad in the world.  My heart is broken for the loss of loved ones, battles with cancer, infertility, uncertainty on the next step to take with children, marriages falling apart...so many struggles.  I don’t imagine to understand everyone’s troubles, as I don’t expect anyone to understand mine.  Until you have truly been in the same position as the person who is suffering the affliction you can never know, only assume what they are really feeling inside. 

Yesterday was the second anniversary of the due date of the first baby Caleb and I lost in miscarriage.  I didn’t post anything on purpose, because I’m starting to realize the only time I am updating my blog is on these “special” days.  I wanted our day to be as normal as possible, and it was odd, but we did it. As a matter of fact, if you had walked into our house yesterday the only thing different would have been a white rose my husband brought me in remembrance of our little one.  The rose means so much to me and it kept me able to still have our “normal” but not normal day.  I still hurt from our losses and have my times of struggle, so please don’t hear me as having some miraculous healing.  I don’t believe that there is such a thing.  That is, unless God so provides for it, and if He did how would He be able to speak to others through you?  You don’t accept Jesus and have smooth sailing for the rest of your life, as a matter of fact, a lot of the time it’s the total opposite.  How could our Savior give others the opportunity to see Him through your trials and wonder why it is that you manage through your suffering differently than someone who might not know Jesus?  Take a look at a painting, for example, far from perfect.  As a matter of fact, there are almost always things on them the artist did not originally intend to have, but it’s what the artist does with these “blemishes” that makes the work truly beautiful, a masterpiece.   I see Him painting His masterpiece in me every day.  I’m a mess, but I pray God will use my story to hopefully provide comfort, peace, and hopefully a better understanding of what His grace and mercy really is to someone who needs that.  

With that being said, today, in the midst of all the pain I see in the world, I'm counting my blessings.  There are too many to number.  Some so small that I overlook and they should be the most precious to me.  Of course, there is my husband, my son, our health, the ability to afford a roof over our heads, cars, pre-school, all these, but today I am most thankful for

Clothes in the dryer.

 You see, Caleb and I discovered God was planning another miracle in our lives last August.  The clothes in the dryer are for this little miracle. He will be here to wear them in April.  God has given us a perfect example of grace, a rainbow after the stormiest day, the perfect redemption after a hard few years.  Infertility is a very dark, very isolating place.  I realize I'm very fortunate and that some women have to go through much more than I went through in order to have a baby, but, even in our relatively small struggles, it seemed like I stepped out of a dark, desolate cave and allowed the sun to shine on my face for the first time in a long time.  However, being in the cave has created scars that will never go away.   

It was scary at first, considering what we have had to let go of before, and we thought a couple of times very early on we might have to let go of this child as well.   I wish I could tell you that with this new blessing I was totally healed and never thought again about our previous losses, but that’s just not the case.  First, I don’t want to forget about those angels we have waiting on us.  Second, I think of this pregnancy differently than I did my previous ones, with much less naivety.  I’m not as connected as I was with my first two pregnancies.  The very second I got a positive test I was madly in love with my first and second babies.  It’s different this time.  I love this child and would gladly give my own life for him right now, but I have remained distant  Every day is better and a little different as I realize at the time I write this he has a 90% chance of staying with us should he be delivered today, but am ashamed at the distance I have put between us.  I know the second they put him in my arms I will be wildly, crazy and yes, madly in love with him and he won’t miss a second of affection, but until then I cannot quite wrap my head around our miracle.  We have waited 4 years to have another child and I guess when you cling to a hope so long and it happens it takes a while for the shock to wear off.  But I’m rambling.

I tell you all of that that to tell you God is faithful, he is able, He is so eager to help you with your problems.  And, He rejoices with you when you sit and count those little blessings (even clothes in the dryer)… and you will be showered with blessing, but maybe not in the way you are thinking. 

 I will make them and the places surrounding my hill a blessing.  I will send down showers in season; there will be showers of blessing. The trees will yield their fruit and the ground will yield its crops; the people will be secure in their land. They will know that I am the Lord, when I break the bars of their yoke and rescue them from the hands of those who enslaved them. They will no longer be plundered by the nations, nor will wild animals devour them. They will live in safety, and no one will make them afraid.  Ezekiel 34:26-28.

A life to be celebrated, no matter how small.

My precious little one,

Today was the day your Daddy and I expected you to arrive.  You were taken from us too soon.  Your life was too short, but it is a life to be celebrated!  I thank God every day for the opportunity to have you as long as I did. 

I dream of you often, in my sleep and also when I am awake. I see you in a place of no hurt, no pain, just continuous love brought by the Father, playing at the feet of Jesus and listening to His infinite wisdom.  His voice must be so beautiful and my human ears cannot even fathom the incredible laugh he must have.  I see you with your brother or sister.  He or she guides you and shows you every vast inch of Heaven and how things there operate, just like your brother here would if you were still with us.  I dream of you and can almost imagine exactly how you look, your hair, your face. 

Words cannot express how much I miss you and how much you mean to me.  My arms long to hold you and I ache for you daily.  I know there is a greater purpose than my human eyes can see for all that has happened, but I long to know why you are not here with us and I hope to find out just a small portion of that while I am still here on Earth.  I feel robbed, I am bitter, I am angry, I am jealous, I am empty at times, I cannot seem to muster the strength to find joy, but I try hard, as I know you would want me to.  I wonder why this had to happen to our family.  Why did you have to leave?  I praise God for your brother, as his beautiful smile and innocence keep me going.  I wish you could have met him.  He is incredible and would have loved you more than anything.

I am so thankful for the time we got, even though it was short, and most of all I am joyful that one day I will get to meet you.  Just after I see my Savior’s face and bow in worship and awe of Him I promise you I will find you and hold you and your Daddy will hold your brother or sister and we will keep doing that until they make us stop.  I will make up for the time I have lost.

Thank you, little one, even your short time with us was a blessing and we offer praise to our Father for that.  I long to hold you and feel your embrace and I am so blessed to know I will do that one day when my mission here, whatever that may be, is complete.

Love you,

Mommy

The past several months have been difficult.  We have had so many wonderful things happen, but in the forefront of my mind remains the fact that we lost a child in miscarriage.  I found out the day before we moved to Texas. 

I miscarried very, very early, but what little time we received was a blessing. 

I can choose to be an angry, bitter, hurt, and yes, jealous, and I am at times.  My heart longs for another child and seeing or hearing newborns can be difficult for me and I need Grace.  I don’t expect people to understand, just please know it is common for people who are dealing with this loss.  I can be all of these things… OR, I can make a choice to fall, head first into the wide-open arms of a loving Savior who comforts me despite of my anger and bitterness, and who gives me a Peace that transcends all understanding.  I have to make this choice daily and I am human so I often fail, but when I do choose Peace, there is serenity like none I have known.  I do not wish bad things to happen to you, but I do hope that everyone who reads this can one day understand what it is like to be completely enveloped in the everlasting love of Jesus Christ as I have known.  I can’t explain it, words are not sufficient, but when you experience it you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt. 

I am so thankful for the things I have been blessed to learn through these trials.  I know several reasons why I was allowed the first time.  I gained far more compassion for my fellow man and I have learned exactly what I feels like to be completely enveloped in grace and mercy by my Savior.  There are several others, but those are the biggest ones.  I urge you, if you are going through or have gone through some struggles to try to learn what good can come from it.  What can you do to use your trial to make the world a little better and maybe even help people draw nearer to our Savior? 

Much happier posts coming!  :)  Remember, joy comes in the morning. 

Sing of happy, not sad

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’ will for your in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5:18

My due date is coming up very soon for the child we lost in December.  If you have ever lost a baby due to miscarriage you know how difficult that date is, especially the first time you face it, so I’m planning to write more about that.  This is our second miscarriage (that we know for sure of, I've decided to bury my head in the sand and not acknowledge the "maybe" we had before the last actual one) so I think I know what to expect and I hope it will be easier.  I also realize I don’t write nearly enough about what I’m thankful for or the things in our lives that bring us joy, so before I write on the sad, let me write on the glad (or just a few of them)….

My husband.  He helps me when he is home, he cooks, he will do just about anything I ask!  I have been so blessed to have him in my life!  Before him I was a broken individual.  I had a huge hole in the middle of me…And he helped to make me complete.  God used a horrible, horrible situation to allow Caleb to meet his future wife, and boy was she a hard one to land.  She had sworn off marriage, and men, for that matter.  J  But he convinced her, with the help of God, that marriage is a good thing.  God took two broken people, joined them together through some tough circumstances and made them whole.  It’s like he took the two broken pieces (me and him) and pieced them together so they fit perfectly.  He made us one, he made us whole. 

My child.  It’s no secret I want more children, and I know I focus on that and our loss so much publicly.  I have been given a burden that also allows me to share and reach out to others who are hurting.  I have been given the courage to do things I never would have been able to do if I haven’t gone through those miscarriages.  I do want everyone to know, however, how proud I am and how blessed I know I am to have our son.  He is such a wonder!  I laugh constantly!  There is never a dull moment in our house.  I love looking into his eyes and seeing his in-tamable joy and his unfailing love for me, no matter how I have failed as a Mom, whatever I did or didn't do.  He is the perfect blend of Caleb and me, although, I think he got Caleb’s temper (minus the red hair, lol).  I’m such a lucky gal to not only have him but to be able to stay here with him every day.

(sorry, too many for photos)  :)

My family.  I’m lucky to have folks related to me, in-laws, out-laws, and the like, who put up with me when I don’t deserve to be put up with.  I love spending time with you, but due to me working a lot or some of you living so far away I know it makes life hard.

My job.  I announced in my last post that I was going to go to working for HD full-time.  So, how is that working out?  HA!  I have never been more stressed, more frazzled, more drained (not even when Josh had colic), more busy….or more ELATED in my life.  It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, running a business and a household, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  When I tell people I work from home the most common response is “You’re so lucky”, and I realize I’m living the dream of a lot of people and am so thankful for being able to make my dreams a reality, but the truth is with that dream-come-true comes several 18+ hour days…and that’s only for the business!!  My house is a disaster, my laundry is never done, the lawn always needs to be mowed, there are constantly dishes piled up in the sink, and I’m afraid to walk across the floor without shoes on sometimes!  But, I love to create, I first found that out when I was the editor of my high school year book, and I suppressed that until I got older (there was no money in it, haha), and I’m so glad our customers have brought that “streak” out in me again!!  There is nothing better than taking a picture of a piece you just finished, sending it to a customer and having them respond with some of the awesome responses they have, that more than makes up for the smelly trash that should have been taken out two days ago.  :)

 

My personal favorite is this picture.  A gentleman, who is very near and dear to my heart, has just opened up a gift which happened to be one of our signs and there are tears in his eyes.  The sign was not at all my idea, actually, his beautiful daughter came up with it, we just put it on wood for them, and I LOVE that we were able to be a part of that!!  I don’t have a picture, but I also remember a Mother’s Day gift from a husband to his wife, when we delivered the piece to him he said, “Oh yeah, there’s going to be tears.”  How blessed are we that we are included in weddings, special anniversaries, and births…Oh how wonderful that we get to help celebrate new life!  It’s also been amazing to watch Josh grow up these last several months.  I get to be there for all the things I was missing before.  I missed his first steps, and his first words were said to a day care worker, who was really sweet, but I know hearing it would have meant so much more to me.  We were looking at having to enroll him in speech therapy before we left Oklahoma City because he was so far behind, but at his evaluation a few months ago they told me that he was above the expected speech level for his age!!  Thank you, THANK YOU so much for letting me be there for my little boy.   

Big Dreams, not so small town

I have always had big dreams, big aspirations for myself.  Even when I was little I knew I wanted to do something incredible.  I wanted to rule the world.  Ok, maybe I thought a little highly of myself, or more than a little, but hey, without a vision the people perish, right?  You have to have a dream.  I’m sure growing up an only child did not help this situation (Although, I do have an incredible little sister now and I’m still not much better).  :)

From a young age I knew what I wanted was to be my own boss, to be self employed.  As I got older I still just knew I would do big things, big things in the business world.  I wanted to set out and conquer something.  I went through high school and junior college thinking the same thing, but when I went to A&M something happened.  I realized I was no more special than anyone else out there, and that the real world is a hard one to survive in.  So, I started a career, basically as a fall back, but it turned out that I loved it.  I’m a banker by first trade and I enjoy the thrill of building a relationship with someone, earning their trust, and being there for them when they are ready for big changes, like buying their first herd of cattle, building their first home, buying their first farm, and guiding them through the potentially intimidating process of getting a loan.  I love it when people call me “their banker”.  I love it when people ask me for insight on financial matters.  I love so many aspects of my job, from helping customers with personal decisions to making good business decisions to watching my portfolio grow (or sometimes shrink).  Sure, there are downfalls, that is with every job. 

As I grew as a banker, I watched the dream of owning my own business fall to the way side…

 

Insert ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes…

 

I never thought about being a mom, never knew for a fact that it would happen.  I’m not a “kid” person, per say.  I never wanted to baby sit, there was no money in it.  Just one day I woke up and decided I wanted, no NEEDED, a child and my life was forever changed, it was like someone flipped a switch inside of me. 

I quickly learned the struggle of being a “working mom”.  I say this lightly because if you call yourself a mom, you work, no matter if you draw a pay check or not.  My son has gone to day care since he was 6 weeks old, which is not a bad thing, but it ripped my heart out for a long time when I left him with someone else during the day.  I missed his first words, his first steps (I think there is a country song along those lines), a lot of firsts.  This is what made me start thinking about my long lost dream once again.  My son was constantly sick, I was always torn between the guilt of needing to be at work and the guilt of sometimes having to leave a sick baby with a family member.  Thus re-enter the ‘ol self employment dream.  I got into this business because I was always seeing something and telling my husband “I can do THAT”, and he would respond with “so do it!”  Well, eventually I did.  

 

We are moving to the McKinney, TX area.  During the course of making the decision for this move I had to consider, where does my passion lie?  Is it with the banking industry or am I ready to leave behind 8 years of a great banking career and try something different?  My heart is saying to follow my dream, so I’m stepping out in faith, and hoping that God will do big things in our endeavors. 

It is with great sadness I will leave the bank I am at now.  What a great place they have been for myself and my family.  Everyone there is so good to us.  With that being said, I am excited to announce the following:

HD will have a full-time staff as of December 1, 2011, consisting of myself and a 2 year old. 

It’s very daunting leaving the security of a guaranteed paycheck, but at the same time such an awesome thrill, to be able to watch my kiddo grow up and to be able to pursue a childhood dream all at the same time.  My emotions are beyond words right now and we would appreciate your prayers that all will go well.  

Our first and foremost mission is to keep our customers #1, for without you guys we have nothing!  We are so thankful for all of you and are ready to help you with now faster turnaround times and more ideas than ever!  I can introduce a phone number now, which I haven’t been able to do in the past!  469-247-7004. Also, we are coming to Serendipity Market in Edmond, we are waiting for another market in the OKC area to open up, and are looking at some spaces in the DFW Metroplex!  Online is not the only place to find HD now!  We are also looking at some different shipping options to help our online customers with the ever-rising cost of shipping.  

Thank you all, again, so much for all your help in making my dream become a reality!  We are so excited to live true to our name (Heritage Designs was based off of the Scripture Psalm 127:3, as we hoped one day this business would allow me to give my all to our children)!