My precious little one,
Today was the day your Daddy and I expected you to
arrive. You were taken from us too
soon. Your life was too short, but it is
a life to be celebrated! I thank God
every day for the opportunity to have you as long as I did.
I dream of you often, in my sleep and also when I am awake.
I see you in a place of no hurt, no pain, just continuous love brought by the
Father, playing at the feet of Jesus and listening to His infinite wisdom. His voice must be so beautiful and my human
ears cannot even fathom the incredible laugh he must have. I see you with your brother or sister. He or she guides you and shows you every vast
inch of Heaven and how things there operate, just like your brother here would
if you were still with us. I dream of
you and can almost imagine exactly how you look, your hair, your face.
Words cannot express how much I miss you and how much you
mean to me. My arms long to hold you and
I ache for you daily. I know there is a
greater purpose than my human eyes can see for all that has happened, but I
long to know why you are not here with us and I hope to find out just a small
portion of that while I am still here on Earth.
I feel robbed, I am bitter, I am angry, I am jealous, I am empty at
times, I cannot seem to muster the strength to find joy, but I try hard, as I
know you would want me to. I wonder why
this had to happen to our family. Why
did you have to leave? I praise God for
your brother, as his beautiful smile and innocence keep me going. I wish you could have met him. He is incredible and would have loved you
more than anything.
I am so thankful for the time we got, even though it was
short, and most of all I am joyful that one day I will get to meet you. Just after I see my Savior’s face and bow in
worship and awe of Him I promise you I will find you and hold you and your
Daddy will hold your brother or sister and we will keep doing that until they
make us stop. I will make up for the
time I have lost.
Thank you, little one, even your short time with us was a
blessing and we offer praise to our Father for that. I long to hold you and feel your embrace and
I am so blessed to know I will do that one day when my mission here, whatever
that may be, is complete.
Love you,
Mommy
The past several months have been difficult. We have had so many wonderful things happen,
but in the forefront of my mind remains the fact that we lost a child in
miscarriage. I found out the day before
we moved to Texas.
I miscarried very, very early, but what little time we
received was a blessing.
I can choose to be an angry, bitter, hurt, and yes, jealous,
and I am at times. My heart longs for
another child and seeing or hearing newborns can be difficult for me and I need
Grace. I don’t expect people to
understand, just please know it is common for people who are dealing with this
loss. I can be all of these things… OR, I
can make a choice to fall, head first into the wide-open arms of a loving
Savior who comforts me despite of my anger and bitterness, and who gives me a
Peace that transcends all understanding.
I have to make this choice daily and I am human so I often fail, but
when I do choose Peace, there is serenity like none I have known. I do not wish bad things to happen to you,
but I do hope that everyone who reads this can one day understand what it is
like to be completely enveloped in the everlasting love of Jesus Christ as I
have known. I can’t explain it, words
are not sufficient, but when you experience it you will know beyond a shadow of
a doubt.
I am so thankful for the things I have been blessed to learn
through these trials. I know several
reasons why I was allowed the first time.
I gained far more compassion for my fellow man and I have learned
exactly what I feels like to be completely enveloped in grace and mercy by my
Savior. There are several others, but
those are the biggest ones. I urge you,
if you are going through or have gone through some struggles to try to learn
what good can come from it. What can you
do to use your trial to make the world a little better and maybe even help
people draw nearer to our Savior?
Much happier posts coming! :) Remember, joy comes in the morning.
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