A life to be celebrated, no matter how small.

My precious little one,

Today was the day your Daddy and I expected you to arrive.  You were taken from us too soon.  Your life was too short, but it is a life to be celebrated!  I thank God every day for the opportunity to have you as long as I did. 

I dream of you often, in my sleep and also when I am awake. I see you in a place of no hurt, no pain, just continuous love brought by the Father, playing at the feet of Jesus and listening to His infinite wisdom.  His voice must be so beautiful and my human ears cannot even fathom the incredible laugh he must have.  I see you with your brother or sister.  He or she guides you and shows you every vast inch of Heaven and how things there operate, just like your brother here would if you were still with us.  I dream of you and can almost imagine exactly how you look, your hair, your face. 

Words cannot express how much I miss you and how much you mean to me.  My arms long to hold you and I ache for you daily.  I know there is a greater purpose than my human eyes can see for all that has happened, but I long to know why you are not here with us and I hope to find out just a small portion of that while I am still here on Earth.  I feel robbed, I am bitter, I am angry, I am jealous, I am empty at times, I cannot seem to muster the strength to find joy, but I try hard, as I know you would want me to.  I wonder why this had to happen to our family.  Why did you have to leave?  I praise God for your brother, as his beautiful smile and innocence keep me going.  I wish you could have met him.  He is incredible and would have loved you more than anything.

I am so thankful for the time we got, even though it was short, and most of all I am joyful that one day I will get to meet you.  Just after I see my Savior’s face and bow in worship and awe of Him I promise you I will find you and hold you and your Daddy will hold your brother or sister and we will keep doing that until they make us stop.  I will make up for the time I have lost.

Thank you, little one, even your short time with us was a blessing and we offer praise to our Father for that.  I long to hold you and feel your embrace and I am so blessed to know I will do that one day when my mission here, whatever that may be, is complete.

Love you,

Mommy

The past several months have been difficult.  We have had so many wonderful things happen, but in the forefront of my mind remains the fact that we lost a child in miscarriage.  I found out the day before we moved to Texas. 

I miscarried very, very early, but what little time we received was a blessing. 

I can choose to be an angry, bitter, hurt, and yes, jealous, and I am at times.  My heart longs for another child and seeing or hearing newborns can be difficult for me and I need Grace.  I don’t expect people to understand, just please know it is common for people who are dealing with this loss.  I can be all of these things… OR, I can make a choice to fall, head first into the wide-open arms of a loving Savior who comforts me despite of my anger and bitterness, and who gives me a Peace that transcends all understanding.  I have to make this choice daily and I am human so I often fail, but when I do choose Peace, there is serenity like none I have known.  I do not wish bad things to happen to you, but I do hope that everyone who reads this can one day understand what it is like to be completely enveloped in the everlasting love of Jesus Christ as I have known.  I can’t explain it, words are not sufficient, but when you experience it you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt. 

I am so thankful for the things I have been blessed to learn through these trials.  I know several reasons why I was allowed the first time.  I gained far more compassion for my fellow man and I have learned exactly what I feels like to be completely enveloped in grace and mercy by my Savior.  There are several others, but those are the biggest ones.  I urge you, if you are going through or have gone through some struggles to try to learn what good can come from it.  What can you do to use your trial to make the world a little better and maybe even help people draw nearer to our Savior? 

Much happier posts coming!  :)  Remember, joy comes in the morning. 

Sing of happy, not sad

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’ will for your in Christ Jesus.  1 Thessalonians 5:18

My due date is coming up very soon for the child we lost in December.  If you have ever lost a baby due to miscarriage you know how difficult that date is, especially the first time you face it, so I’m planning to write more about that.  This is our second miscarriage (that we know for sure of, I've decided to bury my head in the sand and not acknowledge the "maybe" we had before the last actual one) so I think I know what to expect and I hope it will be easier.  I also realize I don’t write nearly enough about what I’m thankful for or the things in our lives that bring us joy, so before I write on the sad, let me write on the glad (or just a few of them)….

My husband.  He helps me when he is home, he cooks, he will do just about anything I ask!  I have been so blessed to have him in my life!  Before him I was a broken individual.  I had a huge hole in the middle of me…And he helped to make me complete.  God used a horrible, horrible situation to allow Caleb to meet his future wife, and boy was she a hard one to land.  She had sworn off marriage, and men, for that matter.  J  But he convinced her, with the help of God, that marriage is a good thing.  God took two broken people, joined them together through some tough circumstances and made them whole.  It’s like he took the two broken pieces (me and him) and pieced them together so they fit perfectly.  He made us one, he made us whole. 

My child.  It’s no secret I want more children, and I know I focus on that and our loss so much publicly.  I have been given a burden that also allows me to share and reach out to others who are hurting.  I have been given the courage to do things I never would have been able to do if I haven’t gone through those miscarriages.  I do want everyone to know, however, how proud I am and how blessed I know I am to have our son.  He is such a wonder!  I laugh constantly!  There is never a dull moment in our house.  I love looking into his eyes and seeing his in-tamable joy and his unfailing love for me, no matter how I have failed as a Mom, whatever I did or didn't do.  He is the perfect blend of Caleb and me, although, I think he got Caleb’s temper (minus the red hair, lol).  I’m such a lucky gal to not only have him but to be able to stay here with him every day.

(sorry, too many for photos)  :)

My family.  I’m lucky to have folks related to me, in-laws, out-laws, and the like, who put up with me when I don’t deserve to be put up with.  I love spending time with you, but due to me working a lot or some of you living so far away I know it makes life hard.

My job.  I announced in my last post that I was going to go to working for HD full-time.  So, how is that working out?  HA!  I have never been more stressed, more frazzled, more drained (not even when Josh had colic), more busy….or more ELATED in my life.  It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, running a business and a household, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  When I tell people I work from home the most common response is “You’re so lucky”, and I realize I’m living the dream of a lot of people and am so thankful for being able to make my dreams a reality, but the truth is with that dream-come-true comes several 18+ hour days…and that’s only for the business!!  My house is a disaster, my laundry is never done, the lawn always needs to be mowed, there are constantly dishes piled up in the sink, and I’m afraid to walk across the floor without shoes on sometimes!  But, I love to create, I first found that out when I was the editor of my high school year book, and I suppressed that until I got older (there was no money in it, haha), and I’m so glad our customers have brought that “streak” out in me again!!  There is nothing better than taking a picture of a piece you just finished, sending it to a customer and having them respond with some of the awesome responses they have, that more than makes up for the smelly trash that should have been taken out two days ago.  :)

 

My personal favorite is this picture.  A gentleman, who is very near and dear to my heart, has just opened up a gift which happened to be one of our signs and there are tears in his eyes.  The sign was not at all my idea, actually, his beautiful daughter came up with it, we just put it on wood for them, and I LOVE that we were able to be a part of that!!  I don’t have a picture, but I also remember a Mother’s Day gift from a husband to his wife, when we delivered the piece to him he said, “Oh yeah, there’s going to be tears.”  How blessed are we that we are included in weddings, special anniversaries, and births…Oh how wonderful that we get to help celebrate new life!  It’s also been amazing to watch Josh grow up these last several months.  I get to be there for all the things I was missing before.  I missed his first steps, and his first words were said to a day care worker, who was really sweet, but I know hearing it would have meant so much more to me.  We were looking at having to enroll him in speech therapy before we left Oklahoma City because he was so far behind, but at his evaluation a few months ago they told me that he was above the expected speech level for his age!!  Thank you, THANK YOU so much for letting me be there for my little boy.